Last night was definitely one of those nights where my mind was running aimlessly through the land of overthinking and self-loathing. An old scar I have been trying to forget resurfaced and made me so angry and full of hate. I questioned myself, questioned my feelings – angry how I could let it run through my mind again when I know it doesn’t deserve even the tiniest spot in it. But my anger trumped everything else at that moment. I buried that awful memory a long time ago, but there are moments where it found its way back into my mind. I guess It’s one of my many flaws as an imperfect human being.
Worrying about what might the future holds for me, worrying if we could even sustain until end of the year? Downsizing might be an answer, but I don’t know. I’m burning out – It’s draining me everyday just worrying about everything a little too much. What I should do is to just hustle and the rest, let go and let god. Why is it hard? Am i too clingy to the worldly affairs? Am i too attached to this temporary deceiving world we live in today? I try to tell myself everyday, that it will all be okay. Trust in the process. Allah is the best of planners! But sometimes, I fell through the cracks and left emotionally unhinged. That’s probably too much of a strong word for what I’m going through, but it is exactly how i feel.
Being a constant disappointment is not a great feeling, being put down for the things I am lacking threw my self-worth out of the window. I feel like I need to stop victimise myself in these situations, but sometimes, when you have tried and have all these words spewing at you, can’t help to wonder if I should give this all up!?
I want to be able to perform my ibadaah, worrying about my akhirah more than i do of the worldy affairs. But I have responsibilities. Well, we want a lot of things, don’t we? Actions need to be made here. I need to work on myself and work on my relationship with Allah. I need a list to stick by. Let’s start with that, shall we?
This is just a fraction of things that run through my mind daily – sometimes when i read it back, It doesn’t make any sense, but at the time that it happened, it did. I don’t know how to explain it, but I guess the tests come differently for different people. Assalamualaikum.
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