Wowowow. Two posts in a row. LOL. Will try to update this blog daily – nobody asked for it, i know. Hahahahahaha.

Let’s make that list, shall we? Part Uno, because my list usually runs very long and I don’t want to overwhelm myself with expecting too much of myself. Let’s start with just 5.

• Wake up for tahajjud
• Sleep early (by 11pm)
• Pray on time
• 1 page of quran after every salah
• Write down list of things to do the next day before sleeping.

Let’s revisit this at the end of November to see how it’s going before I set another list, shall we?

Last night was definitely one of those nights where my mind was running aimlessly through the land of overthinking and self-loathing. An old scar I have been trying to forget resurfaced and made me so angry and full of hate. I questioned myself, questioned my feelings – angry how I could let it run through my mind again when I know it doesn’t deserve even the tiniest spot in it. But my anger trumped everything else at that moment. I buried that awful memory a long time ago, but there are moments where it found its way back into my mind. I guess It’s one of my many flaws as an imperfect human being.

Worrying about what might the future holds for me, worrying if we could even sustain until end of the year? Downsizing might be an answer, but I don’t know. I’m burning out – It’s draining me everyday just worrying about everything a little too much. What I should do is to just hustle and the rest, let go and let god. Why is it hard? Am i too clingy to the worldly affairs? Am i too attached to this temporary deceiving world we live in today? I try to tell myself everyday, that it will all be okay. Trust in the process. Allah is the best of planners! But sometimes, I fell through the cracks and left emotionally unhinged. That’s probably too much of a strong word for what I’m going through, but it is exactly how i feel.

Being a constant disappointment is not a great feeling, being put down for the things I am lacking threw my self-worth out of the window. I feel like I need to stop victimise myself in these situations, but sometimes, when you have tried and have all these words spewing at you, can’t help to wonder if I should give this all up!?

I want to be able to perform my ibadaah, worrying about my akhirah more than i do of the worldy affairs. But I have responsibilities. Well, we want a lot of things, don’t we? Actions need to be made here. I need to work on myself and work on my relationship with Allah. I need a list to stick by. Let’s start with that, shall we?

This is just a fraction of things that run through my mind daily – sometimes when i read it back, It doesn’t make any sense, but at the time that it happened, it did. I don’t know how to explain it, but I guess the tests come differently for different people. Assalamualaikum.

I was flipping through random pages of the Quran and you know how sometimes people say, they’ll be praying on a sign and suddenly comes across an ayah that explains beautifully about the worries in your heart and mind.

I found mine today. Was on Al-Kahf and thinking oh man – 110 ayahs. Banyaknya kalau nak baca on Khamis – Jumaat. Then i found this ayah.

Al-Kahf 18:46
ٱلۡمَالُ وَٱلۡبَنُونَ زِينَةُ ٱلۡحَيَوٰةِ ٱلدُّنۡيَاۖ وَٱلۡبَٰقِيَٰتُ ٱلصَّٰلِحَٰتُ خَيۡرٌ عِندَ رَبِّكَ ثَوَابًا وَخَيۡرٌ أَمَلًا

Wealth and children are [but] adornment of the worldly life. But the enduring good deeds are better to your Lord for reward and better for [one’s] hope.

I am always worried about money – like am i going to have enough by the end of the month for salaries, bills, etc. It truly drives me nuts sometimes.

I prayed for my rezeki diluaskan enough to stay afloat and to cover all opex, so I can not worry too much about money and will be able to focus more on ibadaah.

And then i found this ayah. SubhanAllah! May Allah give me strength to fight through and grant me istiqamah in maintaining a close relationship to Him. You truly never know when is your last day on earth. I pray that we all get beautiful endings and reunite in His Jannatul Firdaus. Ameen!

My mind sometimes go everywhere. Sometimes it can be all normal on the outside, I can do work on the laptop etc, but in my mind, there is like a battle of screams. Sometimes it will go on for hours, sometimes just for a few minutes.

But today, i felt good Alhamdulillah. Despite of all the other things that i have to fight through, i managed to do a lot of things before noon. I had my workout, i made a batch of Chocolate Chip Cookies now chilling in the fridge before i bake them with the kids later and i finished a painting.

Even right now, with all these little achievements, yes, I like to celebrate little achievements. Yes, so, even right now as i am typing all these words, my heart is racing, my mind is starting to wander off into the land of overthinking, I feel nauseous and a little hate for myself for the other things I’m lacking at. Okay maybe hate is a tad too strong, disappointed maybe? Or Frustrated? probably all of them.

But I am praying for a better day, it’s only noon. Till next time.

Been putting this on hold for too long. It’s either i get distracted in the middle of writing or i just don’t know what to write or honestly, just don’t feel like it.

I will be 34 this September. Thirty four. Gotta start somewhere man. Create new things. Change my current lifestyle to a more sustainable and spiritual one.

Been writing about getting back into writing – for four years now. Hahahahaha. Not that i’m GREAT at it or anything. But maybe i should. Hahahaha. I might revisit this post again in one year with still no posts. Ahahahaha. It’s only January. I think it’s aite. Let’s start again for the millionth time, shall we?